Monday, May 08, 2006

3 Viewpoints On Impossible Missions

Me, on Mission Impossible 3:

"Man, I loved that! What great action! I don't get why people give a shit what Tom Cruise is like in real life. Isn't the whole point of being an actor to become someone else? Wasn't Lawrence Olivier kind of a prick? Wasn't Peter O'Toole a drunk and a womanizer? Doesn't Russell Crowe throw phones and write insulting poetry and shit? Aren't they some of "our" greatest actors? Why the fuck should someone who likes to jump on couches and worship Xenu be any different? Did you see those stunts? Hot damn. Summer's here, baby!"

My lady, on Mission Impossible 3:

"Eh."

And as always, Vern continues to show why he is the single greatest film critic working today:

Already I've seen people online complaining that you don't find out what The Rabbit Foot is and you don't see how Ethan steals it. As if it was some kind of mistake. They just ran out of budget and couldn't film the scene. Or they forgot to film it. I just can't relate to these people who get upset and confused every time a movie tries some small thing to be a tiny bit different. Their movie watching licenses should probaly be suspended.

Okay if it's such a problem here you go. Imagine this little speech is in the movie, it will straighten things out.

TOM CRUISE
What the hell are we dealing with here? This isn't an actual rabbit is it?

LAURENCE FISHBURNE
I'm afraid it's not an actual rabbit's foot, and it sure as hell doesn't bring good luck. The Rabbit's Foot is a biological weapon, the baddest of the bad. You want to know how bad this thing is? So bad nobody will take credit for it. IMF, CIA, NSA, KGB, WWE... the deepest, darkest, black bag, black ops, off the record undercover top secret spooks in the world won't even put their names on this. Because some day they'll have to face God.

TOM CRUISE
What does it do?

LAURENCE FISHBURNE
I'll tell you what it does. It makes your worst nightmares look like a day at the circus, or a dog show. The Easter bunny brings you eggs, this one brings you torment and horror. It wipes out the planet in less time than it takes to zip up your pants. Or unzip. Either one. Even diluted times a thousand, one drop of this stuff could turn an entire ocean into acid. On land, one thimbleful, or an amount the size of a baby kangaroo, could wipe out an area twice the size of Antarctica.

TOM CRUISE
But Antarctica is the largest continent, there isn't an area twice the size of Antarctica.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE
And there especially won't be if Davion gets the Rabbit's Foot. Millions will die. Their lungs will melt inside their chests and start dripping out their assholes. They'll start puking up shit that looks like marshmallow creme. Their skin will fall off their bodies in one piece and their muscles will start to shrivel and when they look in the mirror and see skeletons they'll still be alive and screaming for 5-10 more minutes.

Birds and deer will go crazy and start attacking cars. Swarms of ants will be attracted to anything metal. Bees will gather at the northernmost point of every city and start stinging each other. World leaders will rip off each other's clothes and start fucking in the streets. A nightmare that will make World War 2 look like a particulary tame bat mitzvah or maybe a church picnic of some kind, on a really nice day with good sandwiches and everything. Something like that. What I'm saying is this thing is bad.

TOM CRUISE
Thank you. Now that I understand specifically what it does instead of leaving it up to my imagination, this situation is much more dramatic in my opinion.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE
Ethan, wait. There's one more thing.

TOM CRUISE
What?

LAURENCE FISHBURNE
Good luck. You're gonna need it.

TOM CRUISE
Thanks.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE
Also I've always loved you, but we can talk about that later I guess.

TOM CRUISE
Later dude.

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