Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Reportage, MSM-Style

Posted by Codemorse

Watching the nightly news is a bit like sitting through trailers in front of a horror movie.

You get gory, frightening flashes of murder/death/kill (John Spartan, you have been fined one credit), shaky eyewitness accounts, and some shiver-inducing narrative, usually framed as a movie-trailer voiceover:

"Johnny Thompson was an eight year-old boy from Greenwich, Connecticut...Little did he know, that when he stepped onto that bright yellow school bus, he'd be taking a ride....with DEATH!"

So when I saw this article on CNN today, I couldn't resist rewriting it, for the fear-mongers on the six-o'clock news....


Cold-blooded. Reptilian. And out for baby's blood.

The discovery of a new, LETHAL, POSSIBLY FLESH-EATING, STEALTH SNAKE has the international community in an uproar.....and some experts fearing for their very lives!

"The discovery of the 'chameleon' snake exposes one of nature's best-kept secrets. Its ability to change color has kept it hidden from science until now," said amusingly-named BamBang Supriyanto, a WWF specialist who wrestles in his free time.

The snake's ability to change it's skin color has some leading scientists SOUNDING THE ALARM, and describing a very-real future wherein America is invaded by chameleonic, venomous, DEADLY reptiles! Are your children safe? Do you own Anti-Venom?

Yes, while the deadly, venomous, possibly-communist Chameleon snake appears to be confined to Borneo...for the time being...can it be long before one of them slithers its way aboard an in-bound YOUR HOMETOWN?!?!

(cut to clip of Sam Jackson: "Get these muthafuckin' snakes off my muthafuckin' plane! Muthafucka!")

Fox, gimme a job.


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