Friday, March 03, 2006

Portraits In Rage VI: Oscar Edition!

Ann Coulter, sultry siren of rage-addicted Authoritarian Cultists everywhere, has unleashed her first annual Oscar predictions column, and like most everything else Ms. Coulter writes, it's both jaw-droppingly in(s)ane and hysterical. Being the "libtard" that I am I cannot resist showcasing some of Annie's finer, anti-psychotics-free, passages.

This is my first annual Oscar predictions column, for which I am uniquely qualified by not having seen a single one of the movies nominated in any category.

Congratulations, Ann. Your "unique" qualifications guarantee interesting reading.

I shall grant my awards based on the same criteria Hollywood studio executives now use to green-light movies: political correctness. Also, judging by most of the nominees this year, the awards committee prefers movies that are wildly unpopular with audiences.

Ann's right. Popularity and quality go hand-in-hand. Where's the Oscar nomination for Flightplan, dammit?!

I shall summarize the plots of the five movies nominated for best picture below:

-- "Brokeback Mountain" (gay)

-- "Capote" (death penalty with bonus gay lead)

-- "Crash" (racism)

-- "Good Night, and Good Luck" (McCarthyism)

-- "Munich" (Jew athletes at Munich had it coming)

That last one drips with such willfully-uninformed ignorance as to be breathtaking. Actually, all of them are pretty damn funny, but not in the way that Coulter intends. Let's play her game in reverse.

I shall summarize the point of Ann's article below:

-- "Ann's article" (batshit-crazy)

See? Easy and fun!

Movies with the same groundbreaking theme to come:

-- "Westward Homo!"

-- "The Magnificent, Fabulous Seven"

-- "Gunfight at the K-Y Corral"

AHAHAHAHA! "K-Y Corral!" So, what have we learned so far? I've learned that Ann Coulter resents/hates gay people. Damn Hollywood for recognizing a lucrative and largely-underserved audience! Damn them to HELL for their evil, capitalist ways! Err...wait...

[For best actor] I personally would have chosen the lion in the Narnia movie, but he wasn't even nominated.

And he also wasn't, y'know, real. But then, reality has never been Ann's choice for "best" anything.

The best original screenplay will be "Good Night, and Good Luck" as Hollywood's final tribute to the old Stalinists (Hollywood's version of "The Greatest Generation").

Yes, that old Stalinist, Edward R. Murrow. The way in which he treated poor, defenseless Joseph McCarthy was just mean! Mean, mean, mean!

There's more, and it's all just as entertaining. Coulter's hatred of homosexuals is so white-hot as to threaten eyeball-meltage, so be warned.

This joins codemorse's Portraits In Rage series because Ann Coulter is drunk on the blood of the dark god Kali, and must be stopped before she steals more human hearts to power her illegal child-slavery ring.*

*Ah, the comforting swaddle of baseless hyperbole.


At 2:23 PM, Blogger Scott Roche said...

Wow. Psycho.

At 5:55 PM, Blogger codemorse said...

Ain't that the truth.

At 8:31 AM, Blogger Ben Miro said...

Weird. You'd think a tranny wouldn't be homophobic.

I was up late last night, and feeling uncharacteristically masochistic, so I tuned to the super-christian network. Michael Medved (seriously, what a fag) was on some "news" show (I hate's a propaganda forcefeed poorly dressed up as a news program) propping up the same meme about the oscars. B.O. = quality and that it's OBVIOUS Hollywood is so out of step with solid american values blah blah. He went on to club his baby seal of a point by noting ow all these films were "indies" (stunningly retarded or just dishonest: you decide!) because hollywood was determined to avoid rewarding "populist" entertainment like...Star Wars.


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