Thursday, April 13, 2006

I'm-a Goin' To A Special Hell

I don't know what it says about me that I found this so funny. Probably something not-good.

I've been married to Lani for nine interminable years, and the degree to which I despise, from the bottom of my heart, her every annoying syllable, carping over each tiny detail of our unbearable life together, is simply beyond measure.

How could I—indeed, how could anyone—ever put a dollar amount on the ecstatic joy that would come from seeing her cranium explode as a sniper's bullet took her out from, say, the apartment complex across the park from our backyard veranda? How could I quantify the glorious, once-in-a-lifetime satisfaction of seeing her waterlogged body dredged up from the bottom of a nearby river on a special "Missing Wife Update" segment on our local news?

Lani is a living, breathing human being, after all, and to my knowledge, there are no established guidelines on the value of a human life. Are there? I'm talking about an industry-standard listing. Are there appraisers who specialize in such tasks? What do they charge? Sadly, I've discovered after hours of research that none of this is available on the Internet.

Read the whole twisted thing here over at The Onion, where the Onion a.v. club continues to churn out some of the best weekly entertainment coverage there is.


At 8:40 AM, Blogger Jabawacefti said...


And there is a whole industry that specializes in the valuation of the human life. Not in moral terms of course, because each of us is a precious and unique flower whose value cannot be quantified.

Most industry experts that deal in life valuation value a life based on expected income over a lifetime. Which is clearly morally perverse, but everything in the law is according to expectation. What would you have received, or what would you expect to receive, had you lived?


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