Sunday, August 20, 2006

Get This Muthaf@%in' Movie Outta The Muthaf@%in' Way Already

Posted by codemorse

I speak with complete sincerity and without an ounce of (conscious) snotty hipsterism when I say that the hype around "Snakes On A Plane" is the entertainment-media equivalent of mass-hypnosis by ritualized beating with a 2x4.

What began as a sort of endearingly cheesy excitement around the idea of a movie being titled as simply, efficiently, and idiotically as "Snakes" has transmogrified into a terrifying juggernaut of marketing tie-ins (Snakes On A Plane the album! Snakes On A Plane the t-shirt! Snakes On A Plane the political party!), "hip" advertising, and more internet hyperbole than a "George Lucas raped my childhood" circle-jerk.

If you're genuinely excited to see Sam Jackson do his best Sam Jackson impression alongside the star of "Fat Albert" while battling reptiles at 30,000 feet, then I say more power to you. Enjoy yourself. Have some beers beforehand.

Personally, I think the following excerpt makes "Snakes" sound like the trailer for the end of the world, but then I suffer from professionally-diagnosed Cranky-Old-Man-Syndrome:

You see – this is a ridiculous movie. But one that is there for one single reason – to entertain you at all costs. You will see snakes bite every body part you’ve ever wanted to see a snake bite. You will see bloated fucked up corpses and wounds. You will see wounds cut open and beautiful women suck upon them. (which is totally not the right thing to do, btw)But who cares – these aren’t snakesperts – they’re fucking returning vacationers from Hawaii… and nobody fucking expects SNAKES ON A PLANE!

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition, either. But that doesn't mean they're looking forward to the visit.

Speaking only for myself, I've never had a burning desire to see beautiful women sucking on wounds (though, given my love of "Buffy" and "Angel", perhaps that's not entirely true), nor a craving for the sight of bloated fucked up corpses. I know - I'm in the minority. You know what? I'm okay with that.

This isn't to say that the film doesn't look entertaining. It does. But in a flimsy, light-as-a-breeze sort of way, and the juggernaut of press has essentially destroyed my desire to see it.

Enough hype. Either the movie is entertaining, or it isn't (given the lack of press screenings, the Magic Eightball points to "isn't"). Either it's a good time, or it's not. Despite all advertising to the contrary, "Snakes On A Plane" will not cure cancer. It will not unite us all.


Wouldn't it be cool/annoying if it did? What if "Snakes On A Plane" is such a powerfully unifying, globally-resonant film that it ends war? What if it convinces Kim Jong Il that he'd be better off focusing his energies on making films, not weapons?

What if, like Wyld Stallions, "Snakes On A Plane" results in a utopian Earth, where suffering is a thing of the ancient past?

San Dimas High School Football rules!


At 10:17 PM, Blogger Wesley said...

Well I wanna see it anyways. Hey while we're on the subject of movies there is this Thomans Jane gem called Stander. Its about a South African police captain so disillusioned with his goverment's policies and with a corrupt and racist police force, he takes up robbing banks.

At 9:11 AM, Blogger codemorse said...

I hear it's AMAZING.

I'll load it onto my Netflix queue. Thanks for the recommendation.

And while we're talking movies, I just caught "Ricky Bobby" last night.

Sweet baby opposed to the well-muscled trapeeze artist that movie funny.


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